Rhinoceros 23
Alan had been invaded. The noise was bad enough, the babble of laughter and pointed commentary from various rooms of his flat, but it was the unasked for presences in his personal space. He’d learned on a course once that our conception of personal space extends to about a stretched arm’s length. But not for Alan. For him, it was about the size of his sitting room. People walking purposely towards him in the woods got him worried. Swinging a cat wasn’t even in it. Annie used to mock his space hyper-awareness, diagnosing him with a mild form of autism. But here he was, under siege in his own flat, Annie and Jen and Robert his assailants, taking comfortable possession of every room. Even the bedroom, for Christ’s sake. But he decided to be gracious, accept that their intentions, apparently, were honourable.
Annie’s voice dominated throughout. She had telephoned Alan in the midst of another bout of deep thinking and had suggested that they come around with a bottle of wine and a take away, and though Alan had sounded vague it seemed that they were already on their way and the decision had been made. When they arrived Alan was in the process of laying the table and tidying his flat, but Annie briskly directed everyone to change Alan’s arrangements, and new plates were dug out and heated, a table cloth found (“Don’t you even remember me buying this?” Annie had admonished) and the food and drink served with a ruthless sense of organisation. Alan felt himself already to be superfluous in these proceedings, which means that by its very nature nobody really noticed his angst. And once he had eaten, and drank a couple of glasses of wine, he had to admit that he felt revitalised, the pains throughout his body nullified.
Annie raised a glass at one point and toasted Alan. “Here’s to getting your job back,” she announced, and Alan felt this was designed to be more of a conversation opener than a statement.
“Yes,” added Jen, “and here’s to YouTube, bastion of justice.”
“I’m just glad it’s over,” Alan sighed.
“Oh come on Alan, live it up a bit. You’re in the papers, make a meal of it, enjoy the moment.” Annie was getting loud again, Alan felt.
“Yes, Annie’s right, even though you didn’t plan it, act like you did, reap the benefits.” Alan felt that Annie and Jen had very much arrived as a team, and that despite Alan’s efforts to keep them separate, they had been discussing his life in some detail prior to this visit. They didn’t even work in the same office, just the same building.
“As far as most people are concerned, it was just an anonymous teacher. And I’m happy for it to stay that way.” Alan was feeling less gracious by the minute.
“I bet your pupils have an angle on it,” Annie said. “You always told me that they knew what was going on in your life before you did.”
“Fame, the fickle mistress,” Robert suddenly said, and everyone looked at him for the first time. One of his neighbours seemed to have figured out his alleged role in the affair and, having studiously avoided talking to Alan for two years, opened a chummy conversation with him that included back slaps and winks. And now that the interest in school had worn off Alan found himself missing some of the attention, even though at the time he resented it. Robert excused himself from the table and for a while took up a displacement activity around the flat by examining in too much detail Alan’s book and CD collection. Occasionally he would go ‘hmm’ or make a muttered comment (“Small Faces, yes, Cream, quite.”)
“He’s really the most obtuse person I’ve ever met,” Annie told Jen, and it was only when they both looked his way that he realised she didn’t mean Robert.
“I am still here, you know,” he said.
“It’s all that thinking he does,” Jen carried on, “too much time on his hands.”
“Do you think you are going to get away with not telling us why you are limping?” Annie suddenly said.
“Oh, for goodness sake, Annie. I tripped and fell on the way to Forge Dam.”
“Not another mugging, then? Didn’t invite a burglar in to look around again?”
“Why don’t you install CCTV so you can check?” Alan didn’t mean this to sound as sharp as it did. Annie raised a very arched eyebrow and then looked at Jen and exhaled, as if to say, ‘See what I mean?’ Besides which, the police had planted an idea in his head. Although he’d had enough of cameras for a lifetime, he had to admit installing one for security purposes wasn’t such a bad idea.
After a few more drinks, Alan felt better still. In fact he had almost forgiven Jen, was starting to remember the good times with Annie, and even exchanged a few vague opinions with Robert. The conversations roved around the flat as they tidied up and then explored, uninvited, it’s various rooms. It was a good job he had little to hide, as a thorough appraisal was gradually carried out. Annie pointed out to Jen a lot of the furniture (“This was only meant to be temporary until he bought a better one!”) and made décor suggestions that had the sense of being orders. Alan took mental notes, nodded, and then promptly forgot.
There was a point in the evening when they gathered various chairs from around the flat and placed them close to his armchair (which they noticeably avoided) and Alan, not in full control of his himself anymore, but wishing to reassert his hold over the evening, decided to speak to them. He was sat, like a rumpled philosopher – or perhaps more like Ronnie Corbett – in his sunken chair, and he coughed, harrumphed, and then addressed his guests.
“I want to tell you all something, and I don’t want you to interrupt, and I don’t want you to act, I just want you to listen and then acknowledge that it’s over and then agree with me that we all need to move on.” Jen frowned, Annie had a slightly mocking expression, and Robert remained seemingly indifferent.
“Jackanory.”
“Shush, Annie, just for this once. As you know I’ve tried to stay out of the limelight through all this ridiculous farce, but then I took up Jen’s advice – “ Jen looked at him suspiciously, but Alan decided he may as well share the blame, and carried on quickly, “ – yes, advice, about visiting Ryon one last time. Only it turns out it was a bad idea, because he also had an appointment with the Mitchelsons.” They gasped, but listened. “Anyway, to cut it short, there was an argument of sorts, who grassed up who and that sort of thing, and then things got violent, and I tried to get away and got into a bit of a fight and then – “ and Alan, in the astonished silence, just paused enough to choose his words carefully, “ – well, I think I managed to hurt one of them, but then I was knocked out, and I woke up in another house nearby. Now wait, it was all done and dusted, I hurt my knee, and some other bits I guess, but I definitely, absolutely want to leave it at that… What is there to tell, anyway? Where’s the evidence? The only witness is Ryon and he proved well and truly that he’ll leap on any bandwagon that’s moving.” Alan found that, in part, he was making the argument to himself, trying to convince his own sense of dignity that it’s all fine. He went on quickly, “The whole thing is well and truly finished. In fact Ryon has gone away for good, I got a letter from him, he’s miles away, starting afresh, and I’m back at work and it’s over, so I order you – “ and they each leaned back slightly, in surprise, perhaps, or to allow his big words to expand into the small space, “ – I absolutely order you to leave it at that. No purpose whatsoever will be served by stirring it all up again. Is that clear?” And Alan, with a satisfied smile to himself, felt that he could not have put it any clearer.
